so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
