omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
