using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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