there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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