My sheets look like a crime scene.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
