dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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