she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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