I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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