and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
