Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
