Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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