No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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