giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
