he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She's the barista slut.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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