This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
