his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
