Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
