What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
