i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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