Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
