So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
