I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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