i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
