I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
