Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
