Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
