I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
