I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
