if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
