I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My breasts were aching with rage.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
