you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
