Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
