I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
