it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
People in love make me want to vomit
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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