when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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