I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
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You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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