I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
