I'm really into asian looking animals
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
