So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
