there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
