i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
