She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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