I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
