Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
