I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
