you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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