The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
