and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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