i wish starbucks made bloody marys
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
