WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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