He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
