I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can't turn off my feet"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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