I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
