I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
