The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
