They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
